arrested development

We had earthquakes in the UK last night. Biggest in 25 years. Not in a San Francisco sort of way but still a force.

London and Northern parts of England felt tremors

No tremors were felt here in Surrey

Not in any way.........




I have a message on my phone from a policeman asking me to call him back.
I trust there's an apology of some description to follow.

Let me explain.....

A couple of weeks ago a Russian billionaire living in the town near me was found dead, murdered. National news teams were swarming the area. It was gloriously sunny and locals were happy and wandering around in tee shirts. All except the man who decided to walk into a local bank wearing a beanie hat, glasses, a big jacket and holding a plastic bag demand the cashier put all the money at her station in the bag as he had a gun and would use it if she didn't

Generally guns aren't used in the UK. I say generally as I am discounting the gangs of 'youffs' that try to emulate the American rap stars

The cashier put all the money in the bag and handed it back. The Bank Robber, brashly confident in his success, demanded the same of the 2nd cashier. The 2nd cashier handed over his money as well.

The Bank Robber then calmly walked out of the bank, never having exposed his gun

Most of the time Leatherhead is a nothing sort of town, only made 'famous' as being Michael Caine's primary residence. Suddenly we were all catapaulted into a media frenzy.

This all happened on the Wednesday. On the Thursday 3 local papers, Surrey Police Online, bbc online and a few National papers had sensational storied about both events. Strangely enough the bank robbery being the leading story. They had 3 people they wanted to arrest and displayed bank cctv pictures of all 3.

The police were urging people to come forward to identify the men so they could arrest them.

Darling Daughter phoned me hysterical. I couldn't understand a word she was saying. I realised she was actually hysterically laughing. It turned out that one of the 'robbers' pictured was her Father!!

No I know that I divorced her Father in 1983 and hardly ever had contact with him but I was pretty sure he wouldn't commit that sort of crime. Yes I know everyone says that!

My ex husband is guilty of many things but no, not bank robbery.

I'll tell you why

He's an agrophobic and social misfit. To get him to go out is a major event and if he does go out he is very fixed on the end position and keeps his head down, not making eye contact. He wears black. All the time. We went to Africa when Darling Daughter was 6 months old and he wore heavy black trousers and long sleeved black jumpers...... His hairline is receeding considerably so shaves his head and now resembles Uncle Fester

I can see why he might look shifty!!!

After much laughter on both sides I said to DD I was actually concerned about how this would impact on her and The Boy. I could just see those snobby young Mums at playgroup excluding my darling grandson. DD told me not to be so ridiculous. DD hadn't experienced the rumourmongering and gossiping I had over the years, I had clearly protected her in some way

DD urged her Father to 'give himself up' to avoid the police breaking into his house. Actually it's his Mother's house, he lives far away but is staying with her, well nursing her as she is seriously ill and hooked up to a morphine drip. A shock like that could kill her, well and him as he's also epileptic. (gets better eh??)

Ex Husband went round to DD house on Thursday night and took a bottle of wine to get drunk as he was far too distraught and couldn't deal with it. Great. An epileptic drunk.......

Finally on Friday Ex Husband calls the police to 'give himself up'. DD calls the police to let them know who one of the bank robbers is.

So do many upstanding citizens

So do I

Except I do not leave it at that. I confirm who he is. He's my very ex husband. When they eliminate him from their enquiries I expect a full apology. Do they have any idea of the impact the iresponsible statement from the 'temporary' detective could have upon my family?

I want to ask why the detective is temporary but decide now is not the time

On Saturday afternoon Surrey Police had taken down the 'offending' page from their web site and put up a page stating they have eliminated one man from their enquiries

That's it

Nothing else

Except a phone message yesterday from some detective asking if I would call him back.

I might......

Karen H said my family really is disfunctional. I have to agree

One day I would like to have a 'normal' life....................

Hells Kitchen

I went back to work today

I went back as a brave new woman........


I came home from work tired and hungry, rushing into the flat trying to work out what would be quicker to cook; lamp chump chops, chicken thighs or some sort of mince thing. Would I be able to wait at all or would I resort to a bowl of cereal and chocolate???

hmmmm, i had some coffee cake left over from the weekend....

Cramming a large slice of cake in my mouth as I peeled my potatoes, carrots, leeks and broccoli I decided griddled lamb was the answer to my tiredness. Popping on my pinny I set about my culinary masterclass with the confidence of Gordon Ramsey......

A lot of 'eff this' and 'eff that' as I dropped the lamb on the floor, rinsing under the tap (faucet) before throwing back on the griddle. Not to mention the very loud 'EFFING HELL' when I finally managed to open the mint sauce jar and spill all down the bottom of my pinny and both my legs.

Damn, the doorbell.....

I'm brought back to reality as I realise Gordon would have some sort of flunky to shout at to open the door.

I can only shout at myself

'FUCK IT!'

I stomp to the front door.

For those of you paying attention, I live in a ground floor apartment with a small garden, not to forget the Meathead and Young Blonde Air Hostess upstairs. Opposite me 2 youngish chaps rent the ground floor apartment and a chubby, jolly couple rent the top flat.

The communal door seems to have been bypassed and this someone rings my front door, again

I yank the door open

OMIGOD!

A youngish handsome man stands in front of me with his heavy winter coat held wide open by his pockets.

He is semi naked underneath.........

'What the effing hell is this about'

'Ermm'

Is it my birthday and I've forgotton......

YHM fiddles in his pockets

'I'm not sure what to say'

this is a very true statement......

'You're not Justin'

'No, I'm not....clearly'

'Where's Justin?'

'Please close your coat'

'Oh yeah sorry. Can't believe Sid gave me the wrong house. Are you alright?'

'Of course'

I may be old but I can still remember what a young stud looks like....

Justin and his flatmate open the door opposite

They stand agog

I know what they mean

'Are you sure everything's alright?'

'For fuck's sake I'm a big girl, I have seen a dick before'

'It's just that....'

'If you want any help let us know'

'Thanks chaps, I'd better get back to my sizzling chops.'

I look at the flatmates then nod at YHM

'Enjoy boys'

I shut the door grinning

I put my overdone chops on my plate with an abundance of vegetables and sit down at the kitchen table. I love my kitchen table. The chairs are expensive wicker and metal.

'FUCK IT!'

I leap up confused.

I put my hand on my bum and feel blood

I go to the bathroom and look on in horror at the sight of the blood trickling down

.......not to mention the green mint sauce all over my legs and the pinny covering my naked body...

In my tired state I had rushed in, undressed as usual but put on my pinny instead of my pj's.....

I don't know what hurts more, my bum or my pride!!

things are not always what they seem....

found these whilst going through my old picture folder. So damn clever.

If you look closely you can see the paving slab edges.

My sketches are more of the stick men variety if you know what I mean......

Enjoy!

What a whore

Okay so day 4 of the holiday-at-home and I am totally relaxed having just squeezed in a back and neck massage at the local village salon. Didn't know we had one!!!! Going back tomorrow morning for a facial. Ooooh I could get used to this............

Having time on my hands I've been flitting around all sorts of places, seeing all sorts of people.... and picking at my paperwork

Came across this old picture, think it was early nineties. A friend had a bar and I helped her out one day with a French themed event. It was a hoot!

Even made front page of the local paper, quite the accolade.

Well it was more the cleavage made it but hey, I made a front page!

Picked this up on dnr's page gotta do one word answers. Hey I WILL try

1. Where is your cell phone? handbag (purse)
2. Your significant other? next....
3. Your hair? brunette but going blonder
4. Your mother? mad
5. Your father? stressed
6. Your favorite thing? family
7. Your dream last night? nothing I can share here....
8. Your favorite drink? pink Champagne dahling
9. Your dream/goal? write and travel
10. The room you're in? Lounge
11. Your ex? A shit head....well he is!
12. Your fear? that I won't get to travel and write
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? having established a UK base travelling with my lap top and a publisher waiting for my next chapter. Or running a tea shop near the coast with a publisher waiting for my next chapter
14. Where were you last night? Out with Ali and K9
15. What you're not? happy in my job
16. Muffins? no...just tooo big
17. One of your wish list items? learn to fly a plane
18. Where you grew up? Welsh valleys
19. The last thing you did ? Had a back and neck massage
20. What are you wearing? pj's
21. Your TV? Panasonic
22. Your pets? adopted
23. Your computer? lap top, hp
24. Your life? not balanced
25. Your mood? calmer
26. Missing someone? no
27. Your car? not gonna talk about that one....
28. Something you're not wearing? make up
29. Favorite Store? Selfridges
30. Your summer? working
31. Like someone? not yet
32. Your favorite color? red (surprised??)
33. When is the last time you laughed? today
34. Last time you cried? a week ago

peace and humdrum

So ...... 1st day of holiday today.

Rearranged some chairs and a cabinet in the lounge. Took The Boy to the doctor, took Darling Daughter to the supermarket, took a friend somewhere she wanted to go, walked around my village.

Found a chocolate shop! Sat down and had a hot chocolate in the sweet smelling shop. Complimented the shop owner on her new shop and asked if she made the chocolates on sale herself.

She didn't

They came from Belgium

Can't help thinking she's missing a trick there.......

Called into the linen shop - had a nice chat with the shop assistant - bought an Egyptian cotton laundry bag

Called into the electrical shop - had a nice chat with the shop assistant - bought some vacuum bags

Called into bric brac type shop - had a nice chat with the shop assistants - bought a birthday card for my sister, Lil Sis - forgot her birthday yesterday - am terrible sister

Called into the Post Office - bought a stamp for Lil Sis' belated birthday card - no chat as staff very grumpy

Called into the Pharmacy - had a nice chat with the shop assistants - bought small pot of Vaseline

Walked passed HSBC bank - waved to nice friendly bank assistant

Got into car and drove home

Sorted out a load of washing

Sorted out some paperwork

Made supper

Sat on my sofa feeling all warm and fuzzy thinking of how important maintaining village life is. We have a wonderful fabric of community here in the UK, we just have to work hard at maintaining it.

Looking forward to day 2!!!


Here's to Lil Sis -

A VERY VERY HAPPY AND SPLENDID BELATED BIRTHDAY

fast bikes

Is there ever a way a gal can look okay in a full faced helmet???? The only way to ride in the UK is to wear a full faced helmet and it squishes and contorts your face into something out of a horror film. Ho hum....

Darling Daughter and I took The Boy for his first haircut on Saturday. It was quite a momentous moment watching his very long flowing locks tumble onto the floor. He went in looking like an angelic free spirit and came out looking like a little boy full of mischief.

Hope your weekend was good.....mine was cos I've got the week off. Yippee.......

Dirty filthy pants

Talk about flights of fancies....... or should that be flights of panties........

Let me just give you all an overview of where I am today:
Working - hate it
Living - 2 bed apartment - hate it

My living circumstances are somewhat frustrating not least because since taking all my 'stuff' out of storage after returning from the States, I can't fit the damn stuff in the tiny weeny apartment. Yes yes I know get rid of it but.....well... but... but..... I CAN'T !

As I can't fit all the 'stuff' tidily away I am getting more and more distressed. So I came up with a plan.

Wear all the clothes 'stuff' then decide what to keep, what to chuck, what to ebay, what to donate etc etc.

So....... I've got as far as my knickers!

I have huge amounts of huge and tiny knickers. They're all neatly washed and stored in piles, drawers, baskets and boxes.

No seriously

Many with labels on, unworn.

What I seem to do is wear a weeks worth, wash & dry them and wear them again next week. Never getting passed the weeks worth to the other piles and piles.

2 weeks ago I decided to try a different tack, Monday I wore Bridget Jones Big Pants to work, came home changed into my track suit and put on a brightly coloured bit of sparkly dental floss to walk around the village for a small bit of exercise. I came back feeling quite sore as the label was chaffing my butt as I powerwalked. Hopped in the bath to relax and then put on a slinky French knicker and matching chemise to lounge around in til bedtime.

Since then I have tried to wear at least 3 pairs of pants (panties) each day

This is not an easy thing, especially as when I get in most nights from work I just wanna put my pj's straight on.......

So back to the panties.................

I'm making some headway into the collection and have rediscovered favourites, decided against some and still prefering Big Pants for work

As they all need hand washing I'd put them in a washing basket and decided that I would wash them all in one go so I wouldn't be tempted to return to old habits of wearing the same few pairs. Yesterday I thought I'd sort them into whites and coloureds piles on my bedroom floor. I carried on with other chores, had a cup of tea then got startled by a knock at the front door. As this is a small gated development it is a shock if the door to the apartment is knocked without a buzzer first from the front gates.

Anyway it was the Gas Man. Gas Man was old and sweaty, and here to put leak sealant in the heating system.

A day early

'Well as you're here you don't mind if I do it now'

erm are you asking or telling me??

'Em, well.....'

'won't take long love'

grrrr, I'm not your 'love'

'Right'

damn nor anyone elses at the moment...

'2 sugars love'

grrrrrrrrr

'okay but how long is 'won't take long'?

'not long, don't worry sweetheart, I'll be finished by the time I finish my tea'

gimme strength

'yeah yeah, 2 sugars right?'

dinosaur!

Armed with his tea and 2 sugars Old Sweaty Gas Man (OSGM) wandered the apartment doing whatever he had to do. I sat on the sofa trying to lose myself in irrelevant searches on Google

did you know there are 36600 results for 'snapped rubber bands'..........

'Wer - hay love, you've been busy'

OMIGOD!

I hurl the lap top on the sofa and rush into my bedroom

You know what's coming next.......

OSGM is standing with a handful of my dirty pants (panties) in his hand!

I freeze

I know I need to say something but can't think of anything appropriate

I end up with:

'this isn't what it looks like'

what?

What DOES it look like you nitwit Pink Icing lady

'Your secret's safe with me love'

What bloody secret? That I have piles of dirty pants in my bedroom? What can he mean??

'wer - hay!'

I decide I can not say or do anything that will improve the situation

I nod my head and meekly retreat into the lounge, grabbing my lap top and burying myself in Google, hoping that his tea was almost finished.

After what seems the entire day sweaty OSGM announces he's finished as he puts a handful of my 'sweaty' Big Pants, French knickers and Dental Floss on the table.

'All done'

I get up but don't catch his eye

'Good, thank you'

'I trust that's it all fixed now'

'Well your radiators should be, if you want something, well.... else, here's my number'

eeeeiow

'Thank you but I think that's all'

How was your Valentines Day????

love songs

Do you remember me talking about the Meathead that lived upsatirs? The one walks around in a tight vest, spray tan and very pumped up muscles, with Gods Gift stamped on his forehead??

Anyway he lives upstairs with Young Blonde Air Hostess(YBAH)

Well he 'lived' upstairs...

It would appear that, after many loud arguments, he has left YBAH. Not with another girlie you understand, he should be allowed to have female friends, there's nothing in it, YBAH is neurotic and jealous.

The walls really are paper thin

YBAH is clearly a short haul air hostess. She often leaves at 5am and comes back in the evening. Sometimes YBAH is away overnight. Actually I couldn't be sure of her times but she does have irregular comings and goings.

Since our confrontation over parking Meathead and I haven't spoken. And if he walks passed me he adopts a superior, hard man manner. It makes me giggle.

I've heard him on the toilet.

YES our walls really really are that thin.......

After much door slamming, screaming, 'fuck yous' and glass smashing, Meathead walked out Only to return when YBAH was out a few days later accompanied by his 'friend', on his arm, to collect a few possessions. This has all naturally had quite an effect on YBAH.

We've had the smashing and throwing of china and things phase

We have had the shouting down the phone phase

And we've had the hoards of friends visiting at all hours to hear YBAH pour her heart out time and time again phase

We have begun the crying, howling and quiet sobbing phase

I came home tonight thinking I would pop upsatirs and offer tea and an ear if she ever needed it

But.......

We now have to endure the 'playing one cd single of very loud melancholy music' over and over and over again phase.......

The single that was 'their song' phase.....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH....

Who the fuck gives a shit.

I am no longer sympathetic YBAH.

Stop the music already

Close your windows

Put a pillow over your head before I do it for you.......gggrrrrrr

1st life

All i seem to do these days is play catch up.....and never quite do!

Anyway, here I am. In 'my' land. My space, my whatever.

I say that as I was flicking through an article about a couple who met on 'Second Life'....think they should just get a life......

ooops silly me they did....just not a real one

Actually I have been resisting the urge to check it out, mainly because I suspect I might enjoy it! All those computer game things I find extremely addictive. Many years ago I got into Playstation stuff. It all started so innocently..... Hey addictions always do right??? My ex, Richard The Bastard, had been playing quietly on his Playstation in the lounge after work for sometime then, one rainy winter Sunday afternoon I got to the end of a book and, bored out of my skull and fed up of being relegated to the bedroom to avoid the sound of screaming and gunshots, came into the lounge to nidge Richard The Bastard (RTB).

I sat on the sofa next to him.

I sighed.

He didn't respond

I sighed a really big sigh

RTB didn't speak, mutter or turn his head

RTB kept twiddling his thumbs.....

I lurched at him and threw my arms around him and planted a big smacker on his cheek

RTB dropped the machine his thumbs twiddled over.....

I waited for my passionate boyfriend to passionately embrace me.....

'Shit, damn, now I've stepped in the acid....'

RTB was playing Alien

And that was there it all began. That very moment.

It started out, as I said, innocently enough. I would sit next to my now passionateless boyfriend as he searched the entire ship for creatures that spat acid, popped out of pods and men cocooned in webby stuff.

My heart pounded. It raced. I felt tense with the excitement.

I navigated for my boyfriend. Together we roamed the ship, the planet, the universe.

We were as one!

They say you don't always remember the time you took your next step down your addiction spiral. Me neither. One day I was surrounded by fluffy pillows and luxurious throws reading books, the next I was fully armed and dangerous. I now commanded my own weapons and I would never be caught. I'd die first.......

And indeed I did. Many times

So then, on my birthday, RTB came home with a card, a book, flowers and ............

Lara Croft, Tomb Raider.....!

My life was spectacular. I climbed, I swam, I ran, I undertook daring feats and puzzles. I tried very hard to fit in work around my challenges. RTB sat alongside me and we sometimes played together.

This wasn't however always successful as he insisted on being Lara and by this point I was on 3 fixes a day and could no longer share them.

RTB decided that we needed a break. We should go for a long drive and stay somewhere overnight and get out and hike in the hills.

Mmmm, good idea, I've got perfect agility now......

He would drive and we could maybe go out that night and explore the town

yeeees, I wonder if I have a belt I could attach 2 knives on....

Packing was minimal. No need for anything other than shorts and boots. That way I would be ready for anything.

We arrived late in the afternoon, went to our room and after a bath and cup of tea, rediscovered ourselves so to speak. (I'm British, tea will do it for me every time...!!) ((nah only joshing)). The next morning, resplendant in my sense of woman, RTB and I got on our hiking boots and hit the town.

Matlock in Derbyshire is very craggy and sheer hillsides. EXACTLY LIKE IN LARA CROFT LAND.... I wandered around in a trance as I felt overcome with the parallels.

'It does look like the rocks in level 6 doesn't it?'

RTB's face said it all. I was out of control. My life HAD become unmanageable.......


So no, I shall not be checking out Second Life........