Pink Icing

Monday, June 25, 2007

Beauty and the Beast

so there I was, sitting on the doorstep to my Garden of Eden with a glass of bubbly in my hand chattering away on my mobile (cell) phone as the rain gushed from the Heavens.

'You want me to do what?'

'But it won't be for long, and you're sooooo good at it'


My feet are getting wet

'But how long will I be doing it?'

now my feet are getting decidedly soggy....

'Aw don't worry about that for now.....'

but I do and I worry whether skin really is waterproof.......

'you'll enjoy it so much you won't worry about time'

but skin is porous.......

'Look am I going to get paid for all this?'

'Of course, well unless you'll do it as a labour of, erm, love'

can you drown externally? What if you sat in a bath of water for days, would your skin let in water then??

'erm, no. See you all Saturday then.'

I put the phone down and worry that the glass of bubbly has gone to my head. Is it normal to worry that ones skin is waterproof?? Am I normal??? Do I care? Nah not really. It's actually warm even though it's wet, sort of tropical maybe, and I feel like I am back in New Orleans and Lafayette. Or maybe I'm Blanche in that Marlon Brando film. You know the one? What's the name? Oh drat I can't remember. Is that me or the alcohol? Maybe it's both.....................

'You're very entertaining'

Bloody hell, you're very handsome.....

'Sorry?'

'Do you always talk to yourself that way. Out loud?'

Very handsome......

'Erm....well...yes...I mean no....well yes....'

Get a grip girl, he's only human and you sound like a gibbering monkey....

'I didn't realise I was saying it out loud, I thought it was only in my head...you know...just me thinking it and well.......I did that once before that I remember, in a supermarket and the boy's Mum was furious and '

yep there you go again....SHUT UP ALREADY

'You are funny'

Oh rats..... I want to be sexy

'I didn't mean to be....'

'It's okay, funny is good'

Yeah I know but not sexy......

'I was hoping to see Calvin on top of you'

oh my God he's really sexy......

'Huh?'

'Your neighbour? ...... Calvin?....... He lives upstairs?..... But he's out'

I pinch myelf to make sure this isn't a dream. One that has a handsome sexy bloke stand in front of my gate making chit chat.

'I saw him leave about half an hour ago......... but you are welcome to enjoy the rest of this bottle of bubbly with me until he comes back'

I can hardly believe my brazenous invitation

In my dream he takes his shirt off and ........

'okay'

'oh look 2 Magpies!'

Yee ha that MUST mean my dream comes true......

'Do you know why they say seeing 2 Magpies is lucky?

I continue without waiting for his answer in the hope he doesn't know and then I might look clever if not sexy....

'It's 'cos Magpies mate for life and if one poor Magpie is on his own it means that his mate has died and he will be grief stricken'

I look at him triumphantly.

'You crack me up, are you like this normally'

I pour him a glass of bubbly

I am clearly not clever or sexy and decide to give up and just drink and enjoy the view in my Garden of Eden

'Dunno, I really don't'

Eeek, I actually don't...............

One Magpie sits on the wall

'Ah that sounds like Calvin's car'

aaah yessss, it would be wouldn't it...

'thanks for the drink'

he gulps his drink and hands me his empty glass

I sigh......... inside

'aaaah yes..... here's Calvin......

Hoobloodyray

Roll on Saturday and the nameless labour of love.........

Thursday, June 21, 2007

lost

geez where IS the time going?
I'm tired so can't write tonight - again.....!
Just want to let you know I'll be back at the weekend....somewhat refreshed....well hopefully
I'm missing America......I miss the accents.......Tucson...steaks......long clear roads.......the people.....cowboys.......the men......the cheap 'gas'.........the beer.......the libraries.....sigh....

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Sympathy with The Devil

I have watered my plants, fed the birds and squirrels and am sitting down with a piping hot cuppa feeling very very restless.

Today I worked from home an, having spent the entire morning caught up with emails, texts and phone calls I thought I'd have a break. A break in the garden. Well the tiny patio area I am trying to turn into a temporary haven of colourful and aromatic delights. I know nothing of gardening so it's somewhat pot luck!

I decide to take a long cool drink and a magazine out onto the new garden table and chair set. I am sitting there quietly thinking how lucky I am to have this peace and quiet when a large clump of mud lands on my magazine.

I look up, I look around but can't see where it came from.

Damn birds, how ungrateful are they??! Actually it'd have to be a very large bird to drop that on my magazine.....

Plop

'What the ....'

'So sorry, can't control this stupid thing'

A female voice quips up from the other side of the wall between me, my Garden of Eden and my neighbour, I wonder if I am to ask what 'this stupid thing' is

'Are you alright?'

Probably not but that's not really down to your clump of mud

'uh huh'

Helen Ledreder is trying to explain her day with a Happiness Coach in my magazine

'I'm just not used to it'

'Mmmm'

Look Helen is about to try the Milkshake laugh and......

'I shouldn't really be here'

Right! Fine! Neither clearly should I

'Are you having difficulty'

NO no NOOOO, don't say it

'Do you want some help??'

You idiot, you only have yourself to blame

'Oh no that's okay, I'm nearly done'

Phew, I can get back to my magazine, I want to learn about The Lawnmower laugh.

'Well if you're sure, it's no trouble'

What IS the matter with you??!

I realise that I do not know the women behind the wall. There was a very old and frail gentleman that had been living there but hadn't been there for a couple of months now.

I feared the worst.

I decide to ask what had happened to the old gent.

'My Father in Law has gone into warden assisted accommodation'

'Oh dear, I see, probably the best thing for him I guess'

Probably not but I realise that's the last thing I should say

We chat for a little while, I discover that she has her 102 year old father living next door to her that she looks after daily, they live locally, her day is just full of doing things for her father in law, she spent a few hours with her girlfriend's yesterday, she has turned her phone off now, she ignored the house phone before she came out, her father in law has begun to beg to leave, invents dramas to get his son over.

I am beginning to paint a picture of a very sad man in my mind and feel a huge sense of anger towards the unsympathetic woman.

Suddenly the woman burts into tears.

I am completely thrown and do what all British people do in times of trouble.

'Let me get you a cup of tea........!!'

Over a cup of tea I invite The Woman into my Garden of Eden and I mellow my feelings towards her as she pours out years of pent up emotions. I proffer more tea, biscuits, tissues and baby wipes to tackle the cascading clumps of mascara sprawling down her face.

'Afternoon'

I smile

'Hi'

The communal gardener comes along to see who is out in the garden before he sets the lawnmower going.

'Oh dearie me, what's all this then?'

I'm not to sure what to say and wonder if a Milkshake laugh might be appropriate.....

'Things have just got a little too much and this kind lady has taken me in, and I don't even know your name'

Taken you in????

'Tanie'

Oh good grief, you ARE going home aren't you???

The Gardener walks through the gate

Hmmm, methinks I need a lock

'Can't have her all upset now can we Tabbie?'

'It's Tanie actually....'

'Great, I'd love a cuppa, 2 sugars for me Tally'

Well I guess it is an unusual name........

The afternoon goes on, I end up with 2 more neighbours in my Garden of Eden, we have a Tea and Sympathy Party. ANd no I never did find out what 'the thing' was.....

The Woman and The Gardner leave happy and content and as I wave off my other neighbours I feel happy and content that we have all shared a moment of each others lives.

We should all do this.....and more often

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

The mind of a tired executive

so there I was, driving home from work last night at a reasonable time, remembering that the bird biscuit jar only had 2 digestives left. This was in fact a jar of biscuits for the birds not a jar of biscuits with a bird on it. This also meant that if I didn't replenish the bird biscuit jar by tonight my adorable little robin, crow, jay, 2 magpies, wrens and tits, not to mention the 2 squirrels, would be less than happy tomorrow morning.

Pulling into the supermarket car park in my village I fear I am turning into Snow White. Not particularly virtuous you understand, just the bit in the film where she barges into the 7 dwarfs house (hmm or should they be 7 people of height restriction??) and has all the creatures of the forest help her with the cleaning.

I grab a basket and search the unfamiliar aisles for digestives. I pick up 4 packets of the supermarket own brand and a packet of malted milk, for good luck.... The shop is quite busy and I end up in the bread aisle before i can get to the tills. Hmmm, crumpets reduced to 10p (5c I think!). Popping the crumpets into the shopping basket I deftly negotiate my way to the tills, avoiding throngs of milling people who seem to think they are in a remake of The Day of the Dead.

'You shouldn't eat that many biscuits, they're bad for you'

I spin round expecting to recognise the person and as I look at the person housing the voice I realise that I don't know him. This confuses me.

'Erm, oh they're not for me, they're for the birds'

I can feel people around me glance

'hey that's okay, we all like a biscuit now and again'

'No seriously they ARE for the birds'

People are openly staring

'Look I have a very friendly little robin that.....

I shut up. I am sounding insane

I queue with the other people

'You could try some blue cheese with the digestives'

'Look, they really really are for the birds. If I wanted a packet of digestives I would buy McVities'

Oh good grief now I sound a snob!!

'So what are you having for supper'

'These crumpets with some Marmite'

I look in my shopping basket and decide this man must think I am a snobby nutter that only buys cheapo cheap products. Sigh....

'Well who is going to cook your supper tonight?'

Eh what does that mean then??

I reach the till

'What my crumpets?'

I frantically try to open a plastic carrier bag.....

'Yes, who will be cooking for you tonight'

Blast! I break it and the biscuits fall out

'Me'

The Man picks up my biscuits

'I'd like to cook for you tonight'

What? How? What do you mean? At your house? I don't know you. My God you could be a serial killer! Damn, you're probably going to kill me.

'Erm, well thank you very much but I can't manage that tonight'

Or any other night. You're going to put sleeping pills in my food.

'I really would like to cook for you'

I give the cashier money

Everyone is watching.....and waiting to hear my response.

But he's probably going to use that date rape drug and wait til I'm under and chop my body up into small parts and deposit them one by one in every county throughout the country. Boil my head and put it in a lead vat with acid that will wipe out any trace of who I am. No dental matching if they don't exist! Oh my God!! No one will ever know cos I went to his house without telling anyone and he's a loner and no one will ever see me going into his house. My Darling Daughter will never know what happened and The Boy will never know his Nanna. Will they miss me? What about work? I haven't even got started yet.

'I'm sorry but I'm busy tonight, perhaps I could take a raincheck'

The cashier gives me my change with a sigh

I smile in The Man's direction but can't catch his eye

I can't in case he catches me

I rush out of the shop and bolt to my car.

Calling Darling Daughter on the mobile (cell) phone I'm almost quaking. Was I being picked up or stalked by a mass murderer?

'For God's sake Mother, go back in the shop now and see if he's still there'

'But I....'

'How romantic is that, not everyone is a serial killer and when was the last time you went on a date?'

She has a point.........................

So here I sit, glass of my favourite tipple in hand, pink champagne, as I realise it has been some time since I was on a date.

Oh pleeeeeease no, don't make me start dating again.......

Sunday, June 03, 2007

yee haa

Hi there all you wonderful people

Stayed in a lovely hotel in Matlock last week. DIdn't have any cotton wool balls or more than 4 channels on the TV but..... it was so beautiful, fab views, tastfully decorated room, lovely service, yummy food and full of wildly interesting guests that it made up for those little shortfalls.

Right 'On Moonlight Bay' has just come on the tele so I have to finish. Sorry and all that ...... it's just that I just lurve old Hollywood movies. Old Hollywood musicals rock