Pink Icing

Friday, June 04, 2010

Mr Wolf

I caught up on some richly deserved sleep, in the night time heat of my bedroom. Not hot through wild abandoned passion you understand, just still hot muggy air. The window is very large and attracts the daytime sun like a greenhouse.

Nevertheless I was snoring through the heat and awoke to a vague thrashing and turning. So used to my snoring being the answer to all my disturbed sleep, as Darling Daughter will verify and tell you she never ever intends to sleep anywhere near me again, I nearly ignored the incident and return to slumber. Alas I could feel a scritchy something on my neck and brushed my half asleep hand across my neck.

Suddenly I jumped up in sheer terror and screamed.

I screamed very loudly.

A big black Wolf spider had been walking over my neck!!!!!!

He whooshed through the air and landed on a chair then....well I had no idea where I brushed him to and was convinced as I stood up on my sofa trying to locate my sandals that he had fallen onto the blanket resting on a pile of newly washed and ironed clothes on the chair next to my bed......

(oh why aren't I a perfect homemaker?? All those clothes would have been put away before bedtime...)

I stood, barefoot, on the sofa, clutching at my flimsy nightdress hem. Why, I have no idea.

With my heart pushing its way out of my chest I was trying to think if it had been a dream. My eyes , my neck and the possible heart attack told me otherwise

Armed with rubber gloves and a long stick (what on earth I thought that would do I have no idea) I pushed all the sheets, duvet and decorative pillows and blankets off the bed onto the floor in a huge mountain. It did occur to me briefly that it looked like a creation more suitable in the Tate gallery than my bedroom. Where is my blinking camera when I need it. Oh yes I remember.

I forage in the cupboard in the hall and search for my beautiful brown suede handbag I bought in Venice, Italy several years back. A Bruno Magli, simply fabulous. I stroke it and relive the memories then remember I am searching for my camera.

Ah ha!!

Got it. I take it out and jump back up onto the sofa to get what I feel is the best angle of my Tracy Emin creation and 'click'. Drat. 'Click' again

Oh fudgicles. The battery is dead..... Ah I remember now, that's why it was in my bag so I would remember to plug the battery on recharge....

I get down from the sofa and try to remember why I was doing all this....

I get back up on the sofa......

Mr Wolf is nowhere to be seen. Unsure of the point of it I poke the very long stick in and at random places. It seems to yield no reward.

I pick up the sofa cushions and bash them. They are zipped tight and Mr Wolf does not drop out. I pick up a clean sheet from the airing cupboard and shake it as though it was in an earthquake. I clamber onto the sofa once more and cover myself in the sheet.

I want to leave the place and stay in a hotel. I manage to tell myself that is totally unreasonable and unrealistic. I listen to myself and stay put.

Dawn arrives and I am still upright on the sofa, awake. I make my way to the bathroom.

I look like a Devil possessed serial killer.......

I have no choice but to clear up and make the bed and surrounding areas. By midday all cupboards are emptied, and 'strategically' placed all over the room. Mr Wolf is nowhere to be found. Typical. How fickle! If he wanted to protest about my snoring he should face me now!!

I find I can not move or face anymore of this and leave. Leave the house and go out.

I know I will have to return. Maybe.... Possibly......


  • At 12:13 am, Blogger DNR said…


    Glad to see you are alive and doing... I guess 'well' is yet to be determined.

    Funny story, thanks for the chuckle.

  • At 2:11 pm, Anonymous CJ said…

    He probably fled when you screamed and jumped obnt hte sofa - i wouldn't hang around! Glad to see the storyteller back in busness x

  • At 5:29 pm, Blogger Ashley said…

    If You Died Today, Are You 100% Sure You Would Go To Heaven When You Die or the Rapture Comes?

    1. You Are A Sinner.
    "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

    2. There Is A Price On Sin.
    "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life
    through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23

    "And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the
    second death." Revelation 20:14

    3. Jesus Shed His Precious Blood on the Cross and Died To Pay For Your Sins.
    "But God commendeth His love toward us in that while we were yet
    sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
    Luke 1:77 To give knowledge of salvation unto his people by the remission of their sins,
    Hebrews 9:22 And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission.

    4. Salvation Is Not Of Our Works. It Is Through Jesus Christ.
    "But to him that worketh not, but believeth on Him that justifieth the
    ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness." Romans 4:5

    5. God Wants To Save You If You Will Just Put Your Trust In Him.
    "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."
    Romans 10:13

    A sample prayer you may pray:

    Dear Jesus, I know that I am a sinner. I know that I deserve to die
    and go to Hell. I believe that You died for me on the Cross and after
    three days and three nights You arose from the dead so that I could be
    saved. Jesus, You promised in your Word to save any who call upon the
    name of the Lord. Jesus, I am calling upon your name now. Please save
    me, Jesus, and take me to Heaven someday to live with you forever!
    Thank You for saving me, Jesus. Amen.
    The King James Bible, the infallible, inerrant, incorruptible, perfect, preserved, inspired, ONLY TRUE Word of the ONLY Living God, the Great I AM!

  • At 10:42 pm, Blogger Kelly Guyer said…

    Great to see you back!
    You had the same reaction I would have had, except I would have left the house!
    I have missed your tales.

  • At 3:42 am, Anonymous Doris Pender said…

    For a moment I thought you were talking about sleep apnea or sleep difficulties and the image of my dentist in Memphis, TN who cured my disorder is starting to form in my mind, but I suddenly found myself laughing my ass out when the Mr. Wolf came into picture. Nice story! HAHA! He probably just went over you to stop you from snoring. Ugh. Thanks for the laugh.


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