The mind of a tired executive

so there I was, driving home from work last night at a reasonable time, remembering that the bird biscuit jar only had 2 digestives left. This was in fact a jar of biscuits for the birds not a jar of biscuits with a bird on it. This also meant that if I didn't replenish the bird biscuit jar by tonight my adorable little robin, crow, jay, 2 magpies, wrens and tits, not to mention the 2 squirrels, would be less than happy tomorrow morning.

Pulling into the supermarket car park in my village I fear I am turning into Snow White. Not particularly virtuous you understand, just the bit in the film where she barges into the 7 dwarfs house (hmm or should they be 7 people of height restriction??) and has all the creatures of the forest help her with the cleaning.

I grab a basket and search the unfamiliar aisles for digestives. I pick up 4 packets of the supermarket own brand and a packet of malted milk, for good luck.... The shop is quite busy and I end up in the bread aisle before i can get to the tills. Hmmm, crumpets reduced to 10p (5c I think!). Popping the crumpets into the shopping basket I deftly negotiate my way to the tills, avoiding throngs of milling people who seem to think they are in a remake of The Day of the Dead.

'You shouldn't eat that many biscuits, they're bad for you'

I spin round expecting to recognise the person and as I look at the person housing the voice I realise that I don't know him. This confuses me.

'Erm, oh they're not for me, they're for the birds'

I can feel people around me glance

'hey that's okay, we all like a biscuit now and again'

'No seriously they ARE for the birds'

People are openly staring

'Look I have a very friendly little robin that.....

I shut up. I am sounding insane

I queue with the other people

'You could try some blue cheese with the digestives'

'Look, they really really are for the birds. If I wanted a packet of digestives I would buy McVities'

Oh good grief now I sound a snob!!

'So what are you having for supper'

'These crumpets with some Marmite'

I look in my shopping basket and decide this man must think I am a snobby nutter that only buys cheapo cheap products. Sigh....

'Well who is going to cook your supper tonight?'

Eh what does that mean then??

I reach the till

'What my crumpets?'

I frantically try to open a plastic carrier bag.....

'Yes, who will be cooking for you tonight'

Blast! I break it and the biscuits fall out

'Me'

The Man picks up my biscuits

'I'd like to cook for you tonight'

What? How? What do you mean? At your house? I don't know you. My God you could be a serial killer! Damn, you're probably going to kill me.

'Erm, well thank you very much but I can't manage that tonight'

Or any other night. You're going to put sleeping pills in my food.

'I really would like to cook for you'

I give the cashier money

Everyone is watching.....and waiting to hear my response.

But he's probably going to use that date rape drug and wait til I'm under and chop my body up into small parts and deposit them one by one in every county throughout the country. Boil my head and put it in a lead vat with acid that will wipe out any trace of who I am. No dental matching if they don't exist! Oh my God!! No one will ever know cos I went to his house without telling anyone and he's a loner and no one will ever see me going into his house. My Darling Daughter will never know what happened and The Boy will never know his Nanna. Will they miss me? What about work? I haven't even got started yet.

'I'm sorry but I'm busy tonight, perhaps I could take a raincheck'

The cashier gives me my change with a sigh

I smile in The Man's direction but can't catch his eye

I can't in case he catches me

I rush out of the shop and bolt to my car.

Calling Darling Daughter on the mobile (cell) phone I'm almost quaking. Was I being picked up or stalked by a mass murderer?

'For God's sake Mother, go back in the shop now and see if he's still there'

'But I....'

'How romantic is that, not everyone is a serial killer and when was the last time you went on a date?'

She has a point.........................

So here I sit, glass of my favourite tipple in hand, pink champagne, as I realise it has been some time since I was on a date.

Oh pleeeeeease no, don't make me start dating again.......