A breakfast of misunderstanding

I'm a tad under the weather these days. Not really looking after myself and all that. So Karen H made me take some Berocca. Full of vitamins and minerals apparently. I wouldn't know as my eyes can't read such absurdly small print on the tube.

I decide to trust Karen H as she was in fact a nurse. In the days when nurses nursed patients and didn't just hover around their nurses stations with paperwork and computers....

I decide I WILL take the entire tube as I could do with a little perking up. Now don't worry CJ, I shall be taking one a day, not the entire tube in one day..... Even with my ageing eyes and limited common sense I feel one a day is probable as an entire tube of slightly fizzing tablets would not be an altogether good thing for my internal system.

So I manage a tablet every morning and things are progressing. I think I have a little more pep. Difficult to tell really.... I do know however that all tablets, whatever they are, have side effects. These are no different. I discover that my wee becomes radioactive. Well, in colour only. At least I hope so!

Why don't the manufacturers tell us that?? Ah, I guess they may do but I can't read the flipping small print...

3 tablets into the course its time to journey to my parents, some distance away. Hooray, I remember the Berocca!

As a dutiful daughter I eat breakfast and take my tablet. The first wee of the day is strongly coloured and has a luminous radioactive hue. My Mother has a showhouse type of house; everything designery and perfectly placed. In her downstairs cloakroom she has beautiful white deep fluffy mats. I'm not a man but I still dread a drop of radioactive dribble and consider taking a walk into the nearby woods to wee.

I mention the condition of said urine to Mother, who it must be noted is naturally somewhat distracted due to caring for my cancer stricken Father.

For 4 days Mother questions my need for Berocca. 'What country is it made in?', 'How do you know it's good for you?', 'I don't think you should take it?', 'Isn't it, well, dangerous?', 'Madonna follows fads darling', 'Really I don't think you should take it'.

I ignore these and other pleas and continue to take the tablets and continue to wee radioactive looking urine.

Breakfast on the 6th day Mother brings me a cut crystal glass of tap water, a silver teaspoon and the tube of Berocca. I am taken aback at her willingness.

'I sat up last night, after you'd gone to bed, and read the information on your Berocca tube'

How can she read it, her eyes are worse than mine??

I open the tube

'You're not taking radiation pills after all.......'

I look at Mother, then at the tablet in my hand, then back to Mother

I giggle hysterically, desperately trying to surpress it and begin to choke as the internal battle wages.

'Well as I said, I realise you're not on some sort of radiation fad like the idiot celebrities might'

I finally win the battle and manage to calm myself

'Radiation??'

I torn between momentary incredulity and anger that Mother would think I would do something as absurd and dangerous as willingly ingest radiation

'Of course it isn't, it's all legal and made by Bayer. They are a large global pharmaceutical company.'

'Well when you said Madonna takes it I assumed you were following her lead. Those celebrities would do anything if they thought it would make them look younger'

I have to agree, but, radiation???

'I said it's all normal vitamins and minerals, and even Madonna and the like might take it 'cos you seemed to be worrying'

'Why would you think I would actually take radiation for Gods sake??'

I look up pleadingly at Mother for some sort of assurance

'Well you've always been weird and mad'

I look up to heaven and despair that my wild teenage years and carefree 20's have completely overshadowed the last 10 years of sensible Corporates and Directorships....

'No. I only meant that my wee looked like radioactive waste when I'm taking the Berocca'

Father comes into the kitchen from resting in the garden

'Radiation? What the bloody hell are you taking that for??'