The Vacation - part 1

Where to start!

Should probably catch up with the short family vacation I had at the begining of September. I had been working flat out, you know the sort of thing, weekends, late eveeings in the office or driving miles to some other county for a meeting the next day. Well I reckoned I deserved a short break. Thing is I was almost too tired to even sort out a break, it'd all got too complicated and I was in danger of saying 'sod it' and getting on the first plane to the good ole USA to nuture me once again knowing it'd be for a very very long time.......

Darling Daughter needed a break, and so did Son in Law and The Boy. The scene was set, The Family would pack their suitcases, head off South West (I just love the West of anywhere) to introduce The Boy to the sun, sea and sand.

Okay well maybe not the sun, this is the UK after all....!!!

I got home at 9.45 that Friday night and was in bed by 10pm. Too tired to think, eat or drink. Waking up at regular intervals throughout the night (is it stress or menepause??) I felt shattered Saturday morning but invigourated knowing that I didn't have to wear a suit or make up the entire vacation. Maybe my ramblings had got through to the powers that be after all as the sun and warmth got bigger and better as the morning went on, I dashed to the supermarket and bought provisions for a light lunch to be had on The Family's lawn whilst we planned the week ahead with a carefree abandon.

Aren't families bliss..............

We sat there, eating sandwiches and fruit, laughing, giggling and plotting mischief, as The Boy refused to eat any sandwiches but prefering to leave a trail of clothes around the garden in favour of the sock-only look. Never a good look on a male, no matter what age..........

Leaving The Family with a firm reminder that we WERE leaving at 5am the next day as I wanted to make sure we made the most of the short time I had. I picked up a hire car and booked a lovely country house hotel. Well I say car, it was one of those people carrier things. The sort of thing that has 3 rows of seats and space after that for a boot(trunk). Early that evening with my suitcase packed I put my pj's on and planned an evening alone with chocolate, magazines, tele and hot milk.

Okay probably not your idea of fun but at that moment in time it was bliss. I ran (ah I think the word is actually 'drew') a bath and submerged myself in the warm bubbles trying to remember why I hadn't used bubble bath in over 30 years............Hmmm think it was something to do with Thrush...the condition you understand....not the bird......

Oooh my tummy was hurting. Drat surely one bubble bath would be okay. I threw on an overly large dressing gown and ate some chocolate. That'll do the trick.....

Well it helped me prop myself up on my bed amid a pile of trashy gossipy magazines and promptly fall asleep. Without cleaning my teeth, taking my glasses off or turning the light out. I woke 2 hours later with a raging tummy ache. Uh oh, better get to the toilet. I staggered out of bed, throwing the duvet aside and snapping my glasses as I put my weight on my right arm to lever myself off the bed

Remember the bed? The absurdly expensive one. The very very high one. Keep up.....

Hearing the snap I tried to take the pressure off. In my sleepy state thinking if I did then my glasses would be okay....

My sleepy brain was all out of kilter and I couldn't find the floor easily. Well I say I couldn't find it. What I mean is I couldn't work out where it was before the floor came up to meet me. A part of me at least. My right side. I could feel my whole self careering into the en suite wall.

Shit. I tried to keep balance. Sadly my brain hadn't caught up with my body and by the time I remembered I hadn't cleaned up the talcum powder that had lightly dusted me and the bathroom floor after my bubble bath, I was slipping over in a direct copy of my efforts on an ice rink.

Crack!

That'll be my shoulder and head on the toilet pan........

Heaving myself up onto the loo I couldn't work out what was hurting more, my head or tummy.

That didn't stay a conundrum for long........my bowels decided to join the party and intend to take the gold medal......

Sunday was a quiet day. We did not leave at 5am as planned. We all stayed in bed........with food poisoning!

Damn those Coronation Chicken sandwiches.............. Damn Sainsbury's...........

Monday morning arrived and Darling Daughter and I felt better. Son in Law on the other hand felt worse. Actually he did look deathly. A decision was made, we were going to travel that day. Hotel and car had been paid for and no refunds were available as it was all booked 48hrs before. Son in Law was going to stay behind, maybe come down by train later.

I wasn't going to argue. I just wanted a break and this was starting very well.

'Just get in the car and let's go'

'Oh Mum don't you think he looks really bad?'

'Nah, he'll be fine if he drinks lots of water'

'God, you ALWAYS say that. I've got a headache, drink water. I feel tired, drink water. Water isn't the answer to everything you know!'

well yes it is usually

Even I can see her fighting hysteria so decide to not remind her of this right now.....

'I'll just get the rest of the things in the car.....'

'Look at him, I can't leave him, I love him'

Was I that dramatic??

'Look it's only for a few days, not for-bloody-ever!'

Darling Daughter(DD) glowers

I take another look at Son in Law(SiL)

'Erm, yes, he does look bad.'

'I can't control either end. Um, I'm bleeding with the runs as well.'

'Oh my God!'

'Call the doctor. NOW'

I feel horrid. My head is pounding. My bowels are just about under control and now I feel like the Mother in Law from Hell.

'Please just go. I'm fine, it's just a bug and I'll be okay later. Now go'

'Nannie - holiday - car'

'Come - Nannie'

'See, just go now and drive carefully'

I can't have him playing the Martyr so after some kerfuffling part of The Family get into the car and head off leaving SiL
snuggled up in bed on a sweltering day waiting for the doctor to come.

DD is on the mobile(cell) phone regularly and about 1.5 hrs in we decide to stop off at a motorway service place have a drink and feed The Boy. Spirits are raised and we start to get into holiday mode. The sun is boiling and we head back to the car.

The engine doesn't turn over

'Eh?'

Nope, it's not going to start

'Effing hell, this is a brand new car from the hire company'

'Grrrr'

'Calm down Mother'

'Calm down?'

'It's midday and baking hot, the car is not in the shade, I feel shit and the car won't go. Yes I'll keep calm....'

I get out the car and walk briskly away from DD and The Car in case I hit one or both of them.......

I get back in and have another go. No, it's not going to start.

I call the car hire company who tell me to call the breakdown company.

'Yes Gerry I will but I want you to be aware, as it's midday and if they can't get it started you have time to get hold of the nearest car hire company to me and get another one'

'Well let's just see what they say'

Grrr do not patronise a dehydrated woman losing valuable time on her holiday...........

Tempers are frayed in the car.

We are surrounded by Tarmac and as there are no grassy bits DD gets out a dvd player that plays Pingu and Brum (don't ask!) to a happy little boy.

The Boy finds this an adventure, probably thinking that this is the 'holiday' we have been talking about.

I begin to fret that this might be true...............

The breakdown people tell me they'llbe there in 50 mins. They assure me. I assure them that we are a party of small toddler and 2 women.

'Do you have a man with you?'

I wonder if this is a trick question.......

'No.......... not on any level'

I am now resolute and DD and I begin to laugh at the absurdity, swapping tales of family holidays whilst swigging bottles of water.

SiL phones.

Doctor has been and an ambulance has been called to take him to hospital, he has serious food poisioning !!!

DD is surprisingly calm

I call Environmental Health........

They will visit SiL and take samples of the dreaded Coronation Chicken away for analysis.

Many phone calls and 2 hours later, a jolly friendly chap from the AA turns up and tries the car.

It starts!

'Erm, well, erm, it....ermm...bugger!!'

'Not to worry ladies, these things happen'

I get in the car and start The Car

It doesn't start

'Hang on, stay there, let me try'

With man hands it still doesn't start.

Nice AA Man whips the bonnet up and pokes around, tweaks a few pipes, turns a few knobs and proudly proclaims he knows why it won't start.

Some wretched pillock filled the car with petrol not diesel.......

I was not the 'wrectched pillock' but would, with all my heart, love to have met that very pillock at that moment.............

At 4.55pm that day, The Family, in part, sat in a tiny cramped and sweaty office of a garage on an industrial estate awaiting news of The Car, SiL and whether we would be able to continue our journey..................